How to Find the Perfect Partner: A Completely Unreliable Guide to Choosing a Human You Can Tolerate Forever

Finding the perfect partner is one of humanity’s most ambitious fantasies.

Against all logic, statistical probability, and overwhelming historical evidence,
millions of people confidently believe they can locate a single human being
whose habits, moods, and deeply questionable decisions
will somehow remain charming forever.

This book celebrates that optimism.

Inside, you’ll discover:

• Highly Scientific Compatibility Tests (accuracy not guaranteed)
• Red Flags You Will Absolutely Ignore
• Green Flags (rare but theoretically possible)
• Why Small Problems Become Ridiculous Fights
• Things Couples Say That Age Poorly
• And other painfully recognizable relationship phenomena

This is not a serious dating manual.

This is a brutally honest, slightly irresponsible,
and completely unreliable guide
to the spectacularly confusing experience
of choosing a human you can tolerate long-term.

Perfect for:

• anyone currently dating

• anyone who has ever dated

• anyone who has made romantic decisions with wildly insufficient data

• couples with a functioning sense of humor

• dangerously optimistic humans

Love is unpredictable.

Compatibility is complicated.

Human behavior is deeply suspicious.

Proceed accordingly.